I am also here. Look at me
In most families, all the focus is on children. We focus primarily on children’s choices, be it food, movie, restaurant, or games. And when there is a young child, the focus shifts from older to younger ones. At times, the elder one gets scolded for the deeds she or he did not do but the younger one has done. Parents often forget that the older child is still in her/his childhood and expect them to behave maturely, for their age.
This is more profound when one child has some form of disability; may it be cerebral palsy (CP), autism, down syndrome or epilepsy, or any kind of chronic debilitating condition. Parents are more focused on taking care of their sick children. In doing so the healthy child is often left out or neglected. “ Go and take shower yourself, I am doing physiotherapy for your brother with CP. “ “ I cannot read to you now, I am doing table work with your sister with autism. “ I cannot go shopping with you as I have to go for vocational training for your sister with Down syndrome.” These are a few examples only.
Some parents often opt for a second child when the first has a lifelong debilitating condition. Parents expect their healthy children to take care of their sister or brother even before they are born. Healthy children are made to take the oath of taking care of a sibling with special needs when their parents are no more.
It is quite understandable why parents do so. We have seen and experienced that even a minor illness like flu in any family member can disrupt the family dynamics transiently. The whole life takes an abrupt turn when their child gets a diagnosis of some chronic condition. It is often hard for parents to understand and might take a long before they accept the condition. For parents, this is one of the vulnerable stages in their lives. They start to blame themselves. They start drowning in their guilt. In such a situation, they focus more on the child with special needs and forget themselves and others around them. Sometimes parents are obsessed with taking care of their sick child that they do not allow others to take care of their child. They take all the burdens on their shoulders without asking for any help.
This is very stressful situation parents go through while taking care of their child with special needs which often percolate into their healthy children. The other child also requires the same attention, affection, and care from their parents. When this is not met, children start to think that the reason is their sibling. They not only act indifferently, but they also start hating their sibling with special needs. They will start feeling why it is only them to sacrifice everything? All these feelings are natural. This will add extra stress to the family itself.
As parents and well-wishers, what can we do? These healthy children are asking for your ears and eyes. “ I am also here. Please look at me”
A few simple tips can help the siblings involve in taking care of their siblings with special needs, develop empathy, and even be best friends for life.
- Set time aside
Make sure that parents have “one to one” time with their healthy children also. This makes them feel that they are loved and understood. Be available to talk when they need to. This might not be always possible but whenever feasible take time to be with them.
2. Talk, talk, and talk
Tell your child the situation and condition of your other child with special needs. Be honest and clear and simple for their age. Share why you need to pay more attention. Explain the disease itself with the exact name of the disease condition. Eg: your brother needs support while walking as he has cerebral palsy; rather than is limp. At times, small children do not want to be near their siblings with ill health because they fear they might also get it. As parents, you need to assure them that it is not transmissible. Sometimes, healthy children might be feeling guilty for not being able to take care so discuss her/role and how can she or he be of help.
3. Share your emotions
It is OK to share your emotions, sadness, or your fear with your healthy child depending upon their age. That will help them to understand better why you are giving more time to your sick child.
4. Ask for help
When you involve a healthy child in taking care of a child with special needs, they feel empowered. Let the healthy child accompany you when you are taking the child with special needs to their doctor or therapist. Set aside some responsibilities eg: shared book reading, giving physiotherapy or playing duties for the healthy child. The responsibilities may vary according to the age of the healthy child. Do not forget to acknowledge and praise for the efforts she/he has put into taking care and helping out.
5. Be supportive
At times when children grow old they might feel ashamed to share the conditions at home, they might hide about their siblings. They might start worrying about their future. As parents, be supportive and validate their feelings and emotions. Get involved in their activities as well.
Lastly, Don’t forget your healthy child also need your attention and love.
“I am also here. Please look at me”
These few tips may help you; your child with special needs and your healthy child live a harmonious and peaceful life.
